some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
