Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
