So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
