Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
