Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have tasted many bathrooms
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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