In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
