My sheets look like a crime scene.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my shit smells like andre
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
