His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
