Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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