the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
