Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
