im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
