if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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