I wish I could teleport
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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