There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
