Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
