He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
