In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
