I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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