my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
