there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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