Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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