i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
