The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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