Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
