your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
