There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Randomize
