Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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