Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Welp...herpes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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