The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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