I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
