I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
