There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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