Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
