Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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