I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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