I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
