No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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