Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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