He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
