He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I need a burrito and a hug.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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