just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
