I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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