I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
