life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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