he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
