I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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