I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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