Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
