Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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